Unmasked (Project 358: Day 82)

Day 82: Me, Then.

As I mentioned in another post, I recently retrieved my "Baby Box" from my parents' house. You know, that little treasure chest full of New Kids memorabilia? Well, there's also a bunch of other stuff in there, including lots and lots of writing. It's strange to read things I wrote when I was in elementary school, junior high, high school. Every piece is familiar to me once I start reading it and a few of them strike a deep, emotional chord within me, but it's all so vague, like an elaborate jigsaw puzzle left unfinished. It's almost as if I'm remembering a movie I watched years ago and while I know that I really loved the movie, there are whole scenes of it that I just don't remember.

Memory is strange that way, you know? How do we know, based on memory alone, what is fact and what is fiction? The mind has many tricks up its sleeve: embellishment, diminishment, suppression, extinction. And furthermore, having grown up in a household where everything was documented by video camera, do I actually remember these things happening, or do I only remember watching them on video?

Forgive me. I am rambling tonight and confusing even myself. Today's photo is one of the poems I found in my Baby Box. The date at the top reads September 1, 1992, which, if my math is correct, means I was just about to start my freshman year of high school.

This is what I wrote:

Unmasked

I was born with wings,

but have not learned to fly.

I was born on a cloud,

but have not touched the sky.

I reach for the sun,

and grasp the thin air.

I reach for the moon,

but nothing is there.

I long to sing,

but I know of no tune.

I long to dance,

but there is not enough room.

I ask a question,

no answer is hailed.

I turn on a light,

but darkness prevails.

I feel so alone,

no one is about.

I feel so closed in,

I have to get out.

I pick up a book,

the book disappears.

I walk in a room,

the room's full of mirrors.

I look in a mirror,

and start to cry.

I see my true self,

These mirrors don't lie.

A cowardly figure,

scared and alone.

But wait! There's another

side that is shown.

A smile, a laugh,

to hide all the fear.

A happy-faced mask,

that is kept very near.

So when sadness comes,

I let no one see.

I could never let anyone,

see the real me.

So I wear many masks,

to hide all the pain.

And when you see sunshine,

I feel the rain.

Okay, so obviously this poem is very juvenile (and very rhyme-y...actually, I give myself props for all that rhyming! My four-year-old would be impressed.), but it also makes me sad. It makes me sad because I know (somehow) that I wasn't writing it just for the sake of writing it; I wasn't trying to be "deep" or dramatic. I was writing it because it flowed out of me. It flowed out of me because that is how I felt at the time.

I am now a mother of two beautiful, amazing, perfect little children, ages 2 and 4. I don't ever want them to feel the way I did when I wrote this poem. The trouble is, I have no idea how to prevent that. My parents certainly didn't do anything to make me feel that way.

Okay. That's not true. I, like any other human being on this planet, can list off a few things my parents should have done differently. But they didn't know they were doing anything wrong. They loved me and were doing the best that they knew how, which is exactly what I am doing with my children, which is exactly what every parent does with their children. I guess what freaks me out is this: all parents will fuck their children up in some way, it's inevitable. But it's impossible to know exactly what it is that you're doing wrong until it's too late.

...Then again, I turned out alright...maybe it was just hormones?

Re-Thinking Lunch (Project 358: Day 81)

Day 81: Move Over, PB&J

I don't normally go to this much trouble for lunch, but I had a hankering for Mexican today and didn't feel like spending my moola on takeout. Instead, I sauteed some onions, carrots, and bell pepper in olive oil, mixed in some black beans, and seasoned it all with chili powder, ground cumin, black pepper and sea salt. I spooned the mixture into a couple corn tortillas and topped the tacos off with fresh avocado. As a simple side dish, I took a handful of baby spinach and lightly tossed it with Catalina dressing. You may remember from this post the trouble I had at the grocery store one day finding a Catalina dressing that didn't contain HFCS. Well, it turns out that was a site-specific sort of problem (Seriously, Savemart? It's time to step up your game). On a later trip to my usual grocery store, I easily found more than one brand of Catalina without the dreaded ingredient. Anyway, I'm totally glad I went to the trouble to make this for lunch because really, it wasn't any trouble at all! Plus it tasted bomb and was waaaaaay better for us than any Mexican takeout could ever be. Just might have to do this sort of thing for lunch more often. Why should Dinner get all the special treatment?

Project 358: Days 76 - 80

Day 76: Sans Fromage

I love me a baked potato, so warm and hearty, so satisfying on a cold night. This time, we skipped the cheese (more on that later), and added sauteed onions, asparagus, and kale to our typical black bean topping. This photo doesn't do the meal much justice, and strangely makes it look much smaller than it actually was. So you'll just have to trust me on this, it was deeee-lish!

Day 77: It's All About The Shoes

I went to Maggie's bridal shower on Friday night, and I could not stop looking at her shoes. They look vintage to me, but apparently she bought them new. Aren't they just the cutest? Totally made the outfit.

Day 78: Crazy Runs In The Family

Day 79: What A Gem

I recently retrieved my "Baby Box" from my parents' house and, in addition to piles of old poems and drawings, school photos and swim team medals, I found a ton of old New Kids memorabilia, including the amazing teal plastic mug pictured above. Gee, so glad I saved this stuff. Maybe I'll throw it all on eBay and make...what? 5 bucks?

Day 80: Clover & Rosemary

Doctor's Office Bravery (Project 358: Day 75)

Day 75: Two-Year Checkup

Last Wednesday, Elinor had her two-year "well child" appointment at Kaiser. She's been two years old since Christmas Eve, but we kept rescheduling the appointment because the kids have been bombarded with one virus after another this Winter and we didn't want her to have to get shots while sick. She was still battling a cold this past week, but was energetic and in good spirits, so we decided to just get the appointment over with.

We checked in and, after a short wait, Elinor was measured and weighed and we were led back to our pediatrician's office by a friendly woman whom I assume is a Medical Assistant. Once in the room, Elinor quickly assessed the situation. She grabbed a chair, pushed it up next to the examining table, and used it to climb aboard. She laid down on the table and stared up at the ceiling for a few seconds before turning to the Medical Assistant and asking, "Should I sit up?" We all got a chuckle out of that one, including Evan, who insisted that Elinor's appointment be scheduled at a time that would allow all of us to attend; it was very important to him to be able to hold her hand during the vaccinations.

The exam with the doctor was pretty uneventful: here's a book for you, Elinor; numbers look good; eyes, ears, throat, lungs, fingers, toes, all healthy; well, she seems to have quite the vocabulary; any questions? concerns? no? okay, well, a nurse will be in shortly with the shots, she'll be getting two today.

Elinor very clearly remembered the last time she received vaccinations and would bring it up from time to time. She remembered it hurting, her crying, the little round bandaids, the stickers given at the end of it all. Because she remembered the last time so clearly, we made sure to talk to her about this round of shots ahead of time; we didn't want to spring it on her at the last minute. So, a day or so before the appointment, we told her that she was going to the doctor and that she would have to get shots again. We told her that even though they hurt, it is only for a short time and that they are important for her health. We said that she was a very brave girl and we knew she would do great. And besides, we would all be there with her to help her through.

Well, when it came time for those shots, that girl was most certainly brave. She laid down on the table, Stephen holding her legs gently to prevent her pulling away mid-shot, Evan standing next to her, holding her hand in order to comfort her. (My goodness, the look of concern on his face as he held his sister's hand just killed me. That boy will always look out for his sister, no doubt in my mind about that.) First shot administered and you could see Elinor's muscles tense ever so slightly as she let out a nearly inaudible grunt. I know it sounds silly, but in that moment, I was intensely proud of my daughter, so brave! Second shot administered, and she broke, the tears came. Stephen held her and kissed her. Evan and I rubbed her back and legs and told her we were proud. In retrospect, as I write this, it all seems so melodramatic. But at the time, the tiny examination room was filled with emotion. Funny how you can get so wrapped up in moments that later seem so small.

Now on to the numbers...

Elinor's Stats (Two Years, Three Months):

• Weight: 26 lbs 6 oz (34th percentile)
• Height: 3 feet (80th percentile)
• Head Circumference: 19" (63rd percentile)

Stephen and I (and the doctor) were surprised by her growth percentile for height. She seems so teeny!

*  *  *

For Elinor's second birthday, I made a slideshow of photos from her first two years of life and set it to music. I "premiered" it at her birthday party and afterward posted it to Facebook. I planned on posting it on my blog alongside her birth story, as I had done for Evan when he was three and a half, but never got around to doing so. I still plan on writing down her birth story at some point, but it's not happening anytime soon. So, I am linking the slideshow to this post just to get it on the blog. I'm sure that most of you, if not all, have seen it before. Of course, I highly recommend watching it again. If I do say so myself, the girl is pretty darn cute. ;-)

Elinor: 2 years old from Alison Silack on Vimeo.

Project 358: Day 73

You may or may not have noticed that the sequence of photos for my Project 358 skipped right over Day 73 (come on, Erin, I thought you were my informal blog editor!). Well, this is because I was having some issues with my DSLR and its memory card and rather than read the manual to figure out how to resolve the issue myself, I decided to wait for my IT guy to return from the firehouse. What? The sun was out yesterday, I couldn't be bothered. Yesterday's photo was taken with my little point and shoot. And this is the photo from the day prior:

Day 73: After-Bath Coloring Session at Grama & Grampa's House

Medicinal Sunshine (Project 358: Day 74)

Day 74: Medicinal Sunshine

This past Winter was a wet one, filled with long strings of cold, gray, rainy days, the type of weather that tends to get me down. This year, however, I made a conscious decision not to complain about the weather too much, to instead focus on the positive aspects of rain. We need it. It's nice not having to water the lawn for three or four months straight. It cleanses the Earth and makes everything feel new and fresh. It's an excuse to stay inside, snuggle, read books, have a fire, make popcorn and hot cocoa and cookies, just because. Reminding myself of these things helped to get me through, but I have to admit, there were times when it got to me and I could actually, physically feel my body craving sunshine.

Today I got a dose of that blessed sunshine, at long last. Looking out the window mid-morning, I saw that my entire backyard was filled with glorious golden light. I immediately made the decision to keep Evan home from school; I simply couldn't resist the urge and opportunity to spend the day with my kids, playing and relaxing and soaking in the sunshine.

We stayed outside for literally hours on end and are, in fact, still outside as I write this, old-fashioned style with pen and paper. We built an elaborate town out of wooden blocks and populated it with the kids' extensive collection of animal figures; we drew pictures, with concrete and chalk, with paper and crayons; we ate sandwiches, apple slices, string cheese and cookies; hunted for insects; slid down the slide; talked; listened; laid on the ground and stared at the sky. The clouds were magnificent.

Oh, how this beautiful day filled me up, made me feel whole again. Just what the doctor ordered: medicinal sunshine, and I drank it like a person dying of thirst. Today was a big ol' warm, sweet slice of sunshine pie. I will lock the memory in my mind and revisit it during the inevitable upcoming rainy days of Spring. Before we know it, Summer will be here with her long hot days and perfect, pleasant evenings, filled with gardening and swimming and barbecues with friends, picnics and popsicles and staying up late. I will savor it and try never ever to complain of the heat.

Stifled

My insides feel tight;
wound up.
I know if I just breathe
deeply
I could help them to unwind
uncurl
unfurl.
But my breath is shallow
short
forced
stuck inside my chest.
I click "refresh"
a thousand times a day
as if refreshing my Google Reader
will somehow refresh my mood
my day
my life.
I hear knocking on the door and I don't
want
to
answer.
What am I hiding from?
There is no place to run.
No reason to run.
Open the door
open your arms
open your heart
and let them in.
Let them help you
breathe.
Let them unwind you.
They are waiting
wanting
needing
to do so.

Fire and Wine (Project 358: Day 72)

Day 72: Fire and Wine Kind of Night

Project 358: Days 68 - 71

Day 68: Mindful Meditation

Day 69: Daddy Nap

Day 70: Piano Pals

Day 71: Bubble Beard

Project 358: Day 67

Day 67: Kiddo Kanteens

Okay this is totally one of those crap-it's-the-end-of-the-day-and-I-haven't-taken-a-photo-yet shots. We recently ordered these adorable little Kleen Kanteen water bottles for the kids. Stephen and I have larger ones for ourselves and Ev and El thought it was the coolest thing ever to have their own. We let them choose a color from the several options listed on the website and we ordered a special no-spill spout for Elinor since she tends to squirt water all over herself when using a standard water bottle spout. We'll save that one for when she is a little bit older. Stephen wrote their names with paint pen, adding the title "Fire Investigator" to Evan's at his request. Evan has told us recently that, in addition to a cookie baker, he would like to be a fire investigator some day. Hey, why not, right? Elinor, on the other hand, would like to be "Star Wars" and "brother" when she grows up. Dream big, kiddos, the world is your oyster.

The Man Can Cook! (Project 358: Day 66)

The other night Stephen surprised me by announcing that he was going to make dinner. I graciously accepted his offer and eagerly waited to see what he would come up with. He jumped on the internet for a few minutes of recipe research before leaving to pick Evan up from preschool and make a quick stop at the grocery store. When he came home, he whipped up a batch of homemade salsa and served it with chips. Negra Modelas were opened and I thought to myself, I could get used to this, as he danced around the kitchen, food flying, music playing, the words, "I'm tryin' somethin' new, babe. We'll see how it turns out," escaping his mouth between sips of beer.

I admire this confidence he has in the kitchen. When I am trying a dish I've never made before, I am a to-the-letter recipe follower. Once I'm comfortable, I will mix it up, try variations, "wing it," but until I get to that point, it makes me nervous to stray. Not so with Stephen. Once he decided what he wanted to serve, he went online, looked up a few recipes, read them briefly and thought, I've got the general idea, no problem! And I have to give it to him, the meal turned out really well.

He served vegan, beer-battered "fish" tacos in corn tortillas, using tempeh (a fermented soybean cake) as the fish substitute. We topped them with purple cabbage, cilantro, and a spicy sauce Stephen concocted using Vegenaise, ketchup, vinegar, and some spices I don't recall (cayenne, perhaps?). Black beans were served on the side as well as a healthier version of Mexican rice Stephen threw together using a mix of wild, red, and brown rices.

Day 66: Better-Than-Fish Tacos

Stephen, sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve you. Truly, love, you are incredible. And so was dinner.
(What are we having tonight?)

My Women (Project 358: Days 64 and 65)

Day 64: Ladies, Let's Do This Always

From now on, Mel, it is officially the Birthday "Club."

Day 65: First Book Club Meeting

Yes, eventually, we got to the actual book discussion.

Little Sprouts (Project 358: Day 63)

My grandmother-in-law recently purchased these adorable little flower growing kits (a dollar each at Target!) and gave them to the kids during her last visit. A few days later, we decided it was time to plant. Evan was actually far more excited about this than the photo lets on.

The kits come with everything you need to grow, including little pots (shaped like cracked-open Easter eggs), soil pellets (just add water!), and seeds (with plenty of extras to sow directly in your garden, if it so pleases you). G-G-Ma (the kids' nickname for their great-grandmother) gave us supplies to grow sunflowers, zinnias, and daisies.

After adding water to the soil pellets, fluffing the expanded soil with a fork, and gently pressing ten seeds into each pot, we set them on the windowsill to absorb some much-needed sunlight. We decided to add tiny toothpick flags to help us remember which plant was which. And now we wait.

Day 63: Practicing Preschooler Patience

Each morning when we wake, checking on our seedlings is one of the first things we do. I have to admit, I'm nearly as giddy with anticipation as the children.

4 days later...Zinnia is in the lead, with Sunflower not far behind. Daisy's got some catching up to do.

Pros and Cons of Kindle (Project 358: Day 62)

For my birthday last year, I bought myself a Kindle. Since then, I have discovered several things I love about it, and a few things that I don't. I love the idea that you can buy a book without leaving your couch, or from anywhere in the world. I love that you can have a full library of books contained in one slim container. I love that any book in the public domain, which includes all the classics and many books that are now out of print, are free for Kindle users. I love that the American Heritage Dictionary is automatically included in your Kindle and if you come across a word you don't know, all you have to do is highlight it and the definition automatically appears (this is definitely one of my favorite features). I love that you can highlight passages and even type notes about passages and that all of your highlights and notes are automatically saved and organized within the device. Also, if you find a passage that you want to share, you can automatically select said passage to be posted on your Facebook page or Twitter account (I have never actually used this feature, but I think it's pretty cool).

So, overall, I think the Kindle is pretty darn awesome. That said, there are three things in particular that I miss about books:

1. The smell
2. The feeling of paper against my fingertips as I turn actual pages instead of pressing the "Next Page" button.
3. I have never once opened a "real" book to find this waiting for me:

Day 62: Arrgh!

Lotion Addict (Project 358: Day 61)

Day 61: LOVE This Lotion

My dear friend Melanie recently started a healthy living blog, chronicling her journey towards simplifying her life and becoming more "organic." One of the things she is doing to accomplish this goal is trying to cut down on the number of products she uses for household cleaning and personal care and trying to use products that are more "natural." Having embarked on this journey myself, I know that it can involve a lot of trial and error (and lots of label reading!) to find products that you really like that fit the green/organic/natural/vegan/animal friendly bill. From my experience, this is particularly difficult with personal care products. So, when I found this lotion on a recent trip to the grocery store, I decided I just had to share.

Desert Essence has lots of great products, and this lotion is no exception. In fact, it just might be my favorite of the ones that I've tried. It is 100% Vegan/Wheat & Gluten Free, contains no: Parabens, Sodium Lauryl/Laureth Sulfates, phthalates, artificial fragrances or colors, silicones, EDTA, glycol or petroleum based ingredients, AND is cruelty free and biodegradable. The one ingredient that gave me pause is Phenoxyethanol. I really have no idea what that is, and a short google search led me to believe that it may not be the greatest thing in the world (one article likened it to the Parabens that everyone is so wary of these days). That said, it was the only ingredient that I had questions about and it was listed second to last, so I decided I could deal with the "risk." If you are someone who wants to start using more natural products, but still likes to feel pampered, this is the lotion for you. It is rich, creamy, and luxurious and, scented with natural almond oil, smells good enough to eat. The Desert Essence website lists it as $8.99 for an 8 oz tube (I got mine on sale at Raley's for about $5), which I'll admit isn't cheap for lotion in general, but really isn't bad when it comes to natural products. The grocery store also carried the same lotion in coconut and lavender, both of which I plan on trying in the future.

If you really want to go natural with moisturization, one way to do it is to eliminate lotion altogether and use pure oils instead (almond, sesame, olive, jojoba...). It's tough to get more natural than that, and it can still feel very pampering and luxurious. I have found that it is not the best solution for me though, since it doesn't seem to fully absorb into my skin (or takes a very long time to do so). For now, I'll stick with Desert Essence Organics Almond Hand and Body Lotion, Phenoxyethanol and all.

Have you tried any natural products lately (personal care or other) that you just love?

Project 358: Days 59 - 60

Day 59: Evenings, Lately

Up next on the agenda: call Eskaton to see if they have any rooms available.

Day 60: Suddenly Spring

It happens every year. One day there's nothing but bare branches, and the next, colorful blossoms are popping up everywhere you turn, accompanied by tiny, beautiful, bright green baby leaves. Oh, Spring, you never fail to surprise and delight. Welcome back, Beautiful!

Project 358: Days 54 - 58

Day 54: Baby Sister's All Growed Up

Day 55: Evan Art (Mos Eisley Cantina)

Day 56: Playdate Snack Time

Day 57: Rancor Needed a Nap

Day 58: Tough Girl

Climbing the Walls (Project 358: Day 53)

Day 53: Do You Trust Me?

Last week, Stephen and I went rock climbing together for the first time, using a Groupon we purchased last year for a free lesson and gear rental at Pipeworks climbing gym. Stephen had climbed several times before (years ago), so for him the class was more of a refresher course. For me, it was all completely new. As our instructor guided us through the many steps required just to get ready to climb, I started to think, "Okay, I can totally follow what you're doing at the moment, but how the hell am I going to remember these steps later?" I was totally nervous and felt like a big stupid wanna-be-cool-climbing-chick poseur dork. Well, it turns out that once you complete the whole set-up process two or three times, it becomes second nature. Phew!

Finally, the class was over and our instructor left us to our own devices. This is when we really started to have a good time. You guys, rock climbing is totally fun! I love everything about it: the physical aspect of using my arms and legs in ways I normally don't, the mental aspect of figuring out where to step or grab next, the amazingly lean, beautifully toned bodies of the people surrounding us -- er, I mean, the closeness I felt sharing the experience with Stephen. (No, but seriously, rock climbers in general seem to be in amazing shape. They have the kind of muscles you can't get from lifting weights, that you can only get from doing something. Think construction worker muscles. Farmer muscles. You catch my drift? Beauteous.)

I definitely see rock climbing as something I'd like to do more of in the future. Unfortunately, though, it's a pretty expensive hobby ($18 for a day pass at Pipeworks, plus 6 bucks for the gear -- times two!). A membership at the gym makes sense economically if you climb often, but considering that it's a two-person sport, I just don't see Stephen and I being able to swing a sitter often enough to make it worth it. So, for now, it will have to be an occasional thing and in the future, when the kids are in school, we just may get that membership...I do so want to be a cool climbing chick.

big stupid wanna-be-cool-climbing-chick poseur dork

Sibling Sweetness, Part Two

Stephen was able to catch about a minute of the sweet interaction described in my last post on video before Elinor noticed him hiding around the corner and declared, "I see Daddy's iPod!"



Untitled from Alison Silack on Vimeo.

Sibling Sweetness, Part One (Project 358: Day 52)

Day 52: Two is Perfect, Two is Just Right

As I washed dishes at my kitchen sink the other day, I could hear my children interacting in the living room. I could tell right away that they were both in calm, happy moods and that they would be content just being together and talking for quite a while. I sensed none of the energy that seems to be present immediately before Evan starts yelling because Elinor messed up his game, or Elinor starts crying because Evan punched her, or they both start rattling off a whiny list of "I wants" because they are both in desperate need of attention. Instead, the energy was calm, their voices sweet and loving. This made me smile to myself and, after listening to them for a bit, I realized that Evan was reading to Elinor. Of course, he doesn't know how to read, not really, not yet. So, I suppose a more accurate description would be that he was reciting to her books that he had memorized. He went through about four or five books in this manner, sometimes reading slowly as he tried hard to remember the correct words that went with each picture, and at other times reciting at an impressive clip, mimicking the inflections that I use when I read to him and occasionally pausing before the last word of a sentence and looking to his sister to "fill in the blank," as Stephen and I often do with him. It was really, truly one of the sweetest things that I have ever heard and I could feel my heart swelling as I listened. I cannot imagine my life without him, without her, without the both of them, the two that complete so perfectly our four.