Older. Wiser?

I am struggling tonight.  In the past three and a half hours since I put my son to bed, he has woken five times, and while my daughter has not stirred once since I managed to get her to sleep, the process of getting her to that point tonight was long and drawn out and full of irritation on both of our parts.  Neither of these situations is normal.  Elinor is normally very easy to put to bed: we nurse in the rocking chair, I kiss her forehead, place her in the crib (still awake), she rolls over, places thumb in mouth, and goes to sleep.  The past week has been a different story, filled with impassioned nap refusals and heart-wrenching pleas to sleep in my arms, in the rocking chair, all night long.  And while Evan has never been stellar in the sleep departme-

. . .

Pardon me.  Just back from my sixth interruption of the evening, which involved Evan coming down the hall, me scooping him up into my arms and asking, "What's going on with you tonight, babe?  Can't sleep?"  To which he responded, "I don't know what's going on, Mommy.  I can't sleep without you."  I know this is not true; he does so every night, most nights for four or five hours, occasionally for eight.  He can do it.  But not tonight.

"Which bed do you want to go to?"

"Mommy and Daddy's."

"Do you want me to bring the sound machine in there?"

"Yeah, and my water."

"Okay."

Okay.  Supplies gathered, we head to the master bedroom, where I lay him down and then take my place next to him, warm under the covers.  I should enjoy it.  He is warm and soft; he smells good.  He wants nothing more than to sleep snuggled up against me.  And yet, I feel tense.  And slightly irritated.  I am nearing the end of my husband's 48-hour work shift and I am craving some time to myself.  I feel stressed and achy and annoyed.

Who is to blame for this?  My children and their refusal to sleep?  My husband, for choosing a career as a firefighter?  No.  There is no one to blame but myself.  These are nothing more than external circumstances; they cannot make me unhappy.  The cause of my tension is my internal resistance to these external circumstances.  After all, is not the cause of all unhappiness simply the resistance to whatever life is serving up to you at the present moment?  Yes, it's true, life can serve up some unpleasant shit, but this unpleasantness is only a matter of perspective.  If we, instead, chose to "go with the flow" (while still allowing emotions to arise within us) would we still experience so much tension and stress?  Think about it.

Remove resistance to the present moment, and tension fades away.

(This is something a child does naturally, without having to analyze the shit out of their evening).

Ugh, I have so much to unlearn.