If there's one thing I can count on in life, it's PMS's uncanny ability to turn me into an overly-defensive, depressive, lazy, bloated, zit-faced blob of self-loathing. Every time, without fail. Add to that a week of never ending rain, an insanely active, slightly deranged 3-year-old, and a screeching, whining, teething one-year-old and you've got me ready to run out the door at the slightest suggestion of a babysitter, without looking back and probably in my pajamas, since that seems to be what I live in these days. And isn't it such a cruel fact of parenthood that when you aren't on your game and are feeling grumpy or impatient or like you just want to be ALONE, kids never fail to mirror that shit right back on you. Mom's grumpy? Well, look out, 'cause little Mr. Three Years Old can do grumpy too and when he does grumpy it is raw and uninhibited and full of screaming and kicking and heart-piercing exclamations like, "I don't love you, Mom!" Because, hell, he's three and that's how he rolls. And since I'M the adult, I'M the one who has to be all mature and go meditate or something to get my shit together and turn the mood of the whole damn house around. And WHY is that so hard to do sometimes, WHY??
I hate the helpless feeling that PMS gives me. It takes me by surprise every single time, even though you'd think I'd be used to it by now, and there is nothing that really seems to make it better. Exercise helps. A little. But only for a short period of time and I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm alone than it does with endorphins. Why do women have to put up with this shit? I've had my two kids; I'm done. Isn't there some form I can fill out, sign and date at the bottom, that will magically make Aunt Flo hit the road permanently and take those damn hormone fluctuations with her?
Seriously, someone should invent that.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
The Cleanse, Day Twelve
Wow, Day 12? Really?? It's amazing how quickly you can adapt to a new routine if you simply allow yourself to. I'm nearly two-thirds of the way through this thing and, I have to say, it isn't the slightest bit difficult anymore. This new way of eating that was so foreign at first, that had me scattered and anxious and grumpy and in pain for the first few days is now just my normal everyday routine. I am spending FAR more time in the kitchen and at the grocery store and meal-planning than I used to, but it doesn't even feel like work anymore. I'm actually sort of enjoying it, embracing my newly-discovered domesticity. I find the food intensely satisfying, continue to have tons of energy, and am sleeping better than I have in years. Honestly, YEARS. I hardly remember EVER sleeping this well. It really is fantastic.
So, do I miss ANYTHING from my old way of life? Yes. I miss gluten. I miss my whole-grain breads, pastas, and pancakes. The gluten-free versions made with brown rice are alright, but they don't have the rich, nutty flavor and hearty texture I so love. I look forward to eating those again.
I miss the TASTE of coffee, but not the caffeine. Herbal tea is nice in the afternoon or evening, but it just doesn't hit the spot for me in the morning like a mug of hot black coffee. I'm seeing decaf in my future.
Every once in a while, I REALLY miss chocolate, particularly dark chocolate. Oddly enough, I have found that just smelling it gives me enough sensory pleasure to satisfy the craving. Of course, nothing compares to smelling and then actually TASTING dark chocolate, and when these three weeks are up, I will do just that. And when I do, I will do it very, very slowly. And probably with my eyes closed.
So, do I miss ANYTHING from my old way of life? Yes. I miss gluten. I miss my whole-grain breads, pastas, and pancakes. The gluten-free versions made with brown rice are alright, but they don't have the rich, nutty flavor and hearty texture I so love. I look forward to eating those again.
I miss the TASTE of coffee, but not the caffeine. Herbal tea is nice in the afternoon or evening, but it just doesn't hit the spot for me in the morning like a mug of hot black coffee. I'm seeing decaf in my future.
Every once in a while, I REALLY miss chocolate, particularly dark chocolate. Oddly enough, I have found that just smelling it gives me enough sensory pleasure to satisfy the craving. Of course, nothing compares to smelling and then actually TASTING dark chocolate, and when these three weeks are up, I will do just that. And when I do, I will do it very, very slowly. And probably with my eyes closed.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Cleanse, Day Seven
I have now completed one-third of the Quantum Wellness Cleanse. The following are some observations I have made over the course of the week:
1) I can differentiate between true hunger and craving. The craving always has an emotional element to it that I wasn't always aware of. Now that I am unable to fulfill my cravings, I am forced to deal with the underlying emotion. Whether it is stress or irritation or boredom or anxiety, I am forced to acknowledge it.
2) I can tell when my body is ready for sleep, which is usually around 9:30 or 10:00. Pre-cleanse, I always felt like I had to eek out as much "adult" time as possible in the evenings, rarely going to bed before 11 pm and often much later. With children that wake me during the night and that NEVER sleep past 7 am, I simply wasn't getting enough sleep. Now, I get enough sleep AND the sleep is of a higher quality. I wake up feeling rested. Even at 6 am.
3) My skin is clearer and brighter. At first, I thought I was probably just imagining it, but then my husband mentioned it out of the blue when I wasn't wearing any makeup and that just about made my day.
4) I have WAY more energy and my moods are more even-keeled. My patience with the children has been restored ten-fold and I *think* I am being nicer to my husband, but you'd probably have to ask him to know for sure.
5) I find it interesting that the things I used to help me "cope" with life, i.e. coffee to wake me up in the morning, alcohol to help me relax in the evening, were actually making my life harder to deal with. They may have, at some point, been a temporary fix, but it always became this vicious cycle of my body suffering because of these substances and then craving them to make me feel better again.
6) I am not a fan of vegan cheese. The texture is icky and it smells weird. If I'm gonna eat cheese, I want it to be the real thing. If I can't eat the real thing, then I'd rather eat something else entirely.
7) I have lost 4 pounds. This means I weigh one pound less than I did when I married Stephen 4+ years ago. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that my body is NOT what it was on my wedding day. This makes two things very clear to me: 1) the number on the scale don't mean diddly, and 2) it's time to hit the gym, yo.
1) I can differentiate between true hunger and craving. The craving always has an emotional element to it that I wasn't always aware of. Now that I am unable to fulfill my cravings, I am forced to deal with the underlying emotion. Whether it is stress or irritation or boredom or anxiety, I am forced to acknowledge it.
2) I can tell when my body is ready for sleep, which is usually around 9:30 or 10:00. Pre-cleanse, I always felt like I had to eek out as much "adult" time as possible in the evenings, rarely going to bed before 11 pm and often much later. With children that wake me during the night and that NEVER sleep past 7 am, I simply wasn't getting enough sleep. Now, I get enough sleep AND the sleep is of a higher quality. I wake up feeling rested. Even at 6 am.
3) My skin is clearer and brighter. At first, I thought I was probably just imagining it, but then my husband mentioned it out of the blue when I wasn't wearing any makeup and that just about made my day.
4) I have WAY more energy and my moods are more even-keeled. My patience with the children has been restored ten-fold and I *think* I am being nicer to my husband, but you'd probably have to ask him to know for sure.
5) I find it interesting that the things I used to help me "cope" with life, i.e. coffee to wake me up in the morning, alcohol to help me relax in the evening, were actually making my life harder to deal with. They may have, at some point, been a temporary fix, but it always became this vicious cycle of my body suffering because of these substances and then craving them to make me feel better again.
6) I am not a fan of vegan cheese. The texture is icky and it smells weird. If I'm gonna eat cheese, I want it to be the real thing. If I can't eat the real thing, then I'd rather eat something else entirely.
7) I have lost 4 pounds. This means I weigh one pound less than I did when I married Stephen 4+ years ago. Now, anyone who knows me well knows that my body is NOT what it was on my wedding day. This makes two things very clear to me: 1) the number on the scale don't mean diddly, and 2) it's time to hit the gym, yo.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The Cleanse, Day Six: Conscious Eating
If there is one habit that I take from this cleanse and continue to practice when the 21 days are up, let it be this: the practice of conscious eating. Let me continue to put thought into my meals. Let me refrain from mindless snacking. Let me choose foods that taste good but that also nourish my body, rather than eating to satisfy some craving that can never *quite* be sated.
This cleanse has made me painfully aware of how much I snack without really thinking about it. Day Two brought the headache that wouldn't stop, but Day Three was by far the worst day of all. It was the Day of Constant Craving. I suppose my days have always been filled with cravings, but I never really saw them as such because every craving I had was fulfilled almost instantly, without thought. Sweet tooth? Shovel in some candy or cookies or pastries or whatever happens to be around. Salty/crunchy craving? Eat half a bag of chips. Beer? Sure, why not, it's almost 5 o'clock! Too lazy to cook? Takeout Thai, Indian, Mexican, Burgers, what'll it be?
I realize now that these cravings, when fulfilled, perpetuate themselves. The hunger is quieted temporarily, but it always returns. The only way to make them go away is to stop feeding them. Which is NOT easy. In fact, you're pretty much guaranteed at least a couple of days of discomfort, irritability, and a general feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. At least, that was my experience. I am now past the withdrawals and past the cravings and past the sudden, disconcerting twinges of anxiety where it all just felt like *too much*. I am past that. And now? I just feel really damn good. I am proud of myself, and my husband, for making it through the hardest part and I am excited to continue this journey for the next two weeks. Cleanse on!
This cleanse has made me painfully aware of how much I snack without really thinking about it. Day Two brought the headache that wouldn't stop, but Day Three was by far the worst day of all. It was the Day of Constant Craving. I suppose my days have always been filled with cravings, but I never really saw them as such because every craving I had was fulfilled almost instantly, without thought. Sweet tooth? Shovel in some candy or cookies or pastries or whatever happens to be around. Salty/crunchy craving? Eat half a bag of chips. Beer? Sure, why not, it's almost 5 o'clock! Too lazy to cook? Takeout Thai, Indian, Mexican, Burgers, what'll it be?
I realize now that these cravings, when fulfilled, perpetuate themselves. The hunger is quieted temporarily, but it always returns. The only way to make them go away is to stop feeding them. Which is NOT easy. In fact, you're pretty much guaranteed at least a couple of days of discomfort, irritability, and a general feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin. At least, that was my experience. I am now past the withdrawals and past the cravings and past the sudden, disconcerting twinges of anxiety where it all just felt like *too much*. I am past that. And now? I just feel really damn good. I am proud of myself, and my husband, for making it through the hardest part and I am excited to continue this journey for the next two weeks. Cleanse on!
Monday, January 4, 2010
Something I Learned Today
This morning I made smoothies for breakfast: banana, frozen blueberries, frozen mango chunks, almond milk, soy protein powder, agave nectar, and - get this - frozen spinach and cauliflower! I know, yuck, right? Wrong! It was totally good and you couldn't even taste the veggies. And lest you think I'm simply delusional from the lack of caffeine, I'll add this little bit of info: even Evan liked it. So there.
The Cleanse, Day Two
Today was kind of rough. When I went to bed last night, I could feel a headache coming on all across my forehead. I took some Tylenol and went to sleep. In the morning, the headache was still there. I don't know if it was caused by caffeine withdrawal or sugar withdrawal or the fact that I just started my period, or some evil combination of all three factors. All I know is it HURT. And it lasted all. day. long.
Elinor had her one-year checkup at Kaiser today. The appointment was at 9:30 and we had to drop Evan off at GGMa's house first, which meant getting everyone ready and out the door by 8:30 am. WITHOUT COFFEE. Oh my god I thought I was going to die. But I didn't. I'm still here and I'm still cleansing away, hoping that tomorrow will feel a little bit better.
Elinor had her one-year checkup at Kaiser today. The appointment was at 9:30 and we had to drop Evan off at GGMa's house first, which meant getting everyone ready and out the door by 8:30 am. WITHOUT COFFEE. Oh my god I thought I was going to die. But I didn't. I'm still here and I'm still cleansing away, hoping that tomorrow will feel a little bit better.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The Cleanse, Day One
My husband and I just started the Quantum Wellness Cleanse, based on the book by Kathy Freston. There are some spiritual aspects of the cleanse, but if you want to break it down to basics, it involves eliminating caffeine, alcohol, sugar, gluten, and animal products from your diet for a course of 21 days. Today was day one. It went pretty well, although I did find myself thinking about food pretty much all day long. The good news is, I was primarily focused on figuring out what I COULD eat and spent very little time thinking about or craving what I couldn't.
We didn't really prepare for the cleanse ahead of time (shocking, I know) and weren't able to make it to the grocery store until mid-afternoon. So much of the day was spent opening and closing the cupboards and fridge over and over again trying to find something that would quiet the ravenous beasts inside of us. For breakfast, we ended up having Irish steel cut oats with ground flax seed, cinnamon, apples, walnuts, soy milk (unsweetened), and a light drizzle of agave nectar. For lunch we had lentil soup. At one point during the day, when I was feeling particularly snacky, I just stuck a spoon in the jar of peanut butter and had a big, sticky bite.
When I was finally able to get my butt in gear and go to the store, I headed straight for the Natural Foods aisle. Now, I am no stranger to this aisle. Many of our household staples can be found there (see breakfast, above). But this was the first time I spent a good deal of time there, scrupulously reading labels and looking for key words, such as "vegan" and "gluten-free" or the much more elusive "will make you shit rainbows" (I never did find that one). Anyway, I ended up buying a whole bunch of crap just to try it out and see if we like it. Hopefully, by the time this cleanse is over, I will have that aisle memorized and will be able to breeze through it as efficiently as I do the other aisles.
Even though weight loss is not my primary purpose for doing this cleanse, I am curious to see how this new diet affects my body. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months (first thing in the morning, butt nekked, post-elimination, of COURSE). I weighed in at 124.5 lbs, which pleased me, although I'm not entirely sure why. Afterall, it is just a number on a scale. It does not change the fact that I am out of shape and flabby. If I were physically fit and toned and yet weighed 10 pounds more, would I beat myself up for that? Of course not. Or rather, I HOPE not. What matters most is how one looks naked, how one's clothes fit and, of course, how one FEELS. That said, I am going to continue to weigh myself over the course of the cleanse simply because I am curious.
Well, that's all for tonight, folks. I'm off to spend some quality time with the hubby before heading to bed to dream about tofu and pray I don't wake with a raging caffeine-withdrawal-induced headache. Ta ta!
We didn't really prepare for the cleanse ahead of time (shocking, I know) and weren't able to make it to the grocery store until mid-afternoon. So much of the day was spent opening and closing the cupboards and fridge over and over again trying to find something that would quiet the ravenous beasts inside of us. For breakfast, we ended up having Irish steel cut oats with ground flax seed, cinnamon, apples, walnuts, soy milk (unsweetened), and a light drizzle of agave nectar. For lunch we had lentil soup. At one point during the day, when I was feeling particularly snacky, I just stuck a spoon in the jar of peanut butter and had a big, sticky bite.
When I was finally able to get my butt in gear and go to the store, I headed straight for the Natural Foods aisle. Now, I am no stranger to this aisle. Many of our household staples can be found there (see breakfast, above). But this was the first time I spent a good deal of time there, scrupulously reading labels and looking for key words, such as "vegan" and "gluten-free" or the much more elusive "will make you shit rainbows" (I never did find that one). Anyway, I ended up buying a whole bunch of crap just to try it out and see if we like it. Hopefully, by the time this cleanse is over, I will have that aisle memorized and will be able to breeze through it as efficiently as I do the other aisles.
.......
Even though weight loss is not my primary purpose for doing this cleanse, I am curious to see how this new diet affects my body. So today I decided to weigh myself for the first time in months (first thing in the morning, butt nekked, post-elimination, of COURSE). I weighed in at 124.5 lbs, which pleased me, although I'm not entirely sure why. Afterall, it is just a number on a scale. It does not change the fact that I am out of shape and flabby. If I were physically fit and toned and yet weighed 10 pounds more, would I beat myself up for that? Of course not. Or rather, I HOPE not. What matters most is how one looks naked, how one's clothes fit and, of course, how one FEELS. That said, I am going to continue to weigh myself over the course of the cleanse simply because I am curious.
Well, that's all for tonight, folks. I'm off to spend some quality time with the hubby before heading to bed to dream about tofu and pray I don't wake with a raging caffeine-withdrawal-induced headache. Ta ta!
Friday, January 1, 2010
New Year's Resolutions
Since I am writing my very first blog post on the first day of the new year, I thought it would be appropriate to write about my New Year's Resolutions. I have a good feeling about 2010 and am excited to see what sort of adventures and challenges it has in store. '09 was a good year. We survived the threat of job loss and were even able to purchase our first home. We saw our son turn three years old and our daughter turn one. The year was filled with countless moments of joy and laughter with our family and friends. And yet, I can't help but feel like it could have been MORE. I do not believe in regret and am not one to dwell on the past and will therefore rephrase this thought: I feel like THIS year can, and will, be more. And so, without further ado, I present to you my resolutions for the new year...
1) Write. I fancy myself a writer. Always have. This is not to say that I think I am any good. On the contrary, I feel a tremendous amount of insecurity about the quality of my writing. However, I enjoy writing. It helps me to process my thoughts and emotions. It helps me to quiet and make sense of the chatter in my head. It, quite often, allows me to express myself to others far more effectively than I ever could face to face. Also? It's fun. And fun is something I need to have more of. Fun that is not related to my children and is not related to alcohol or television. So, first and foremost, I resolve to write. And, looky-here, I'm doing pretty well so far!
2) Take care of myself, body, mind, and soul. 2009 was not exactly a red-letter year for my health. My workouts were sporadic, at best. My diet included lots of cheese and probably not enough vegetables. I drank too much coffee, too much wine, and not enough water. The result? A year of feeling not quite right. A year of feeling like I didn't quite have the energy necessary for raising two young children. A year of feeling flabby and unattractive. This year will be different. Mark my words.
3) Spend more time outdoors, even if it is just the back yard. The fresh air is restorative and necessary for me AND the children. 'Nuff said.
4) Challenge myself. This one is pretty vague, but I'm hoping the specifics will work themselves out over the course of the year. Raising young children is difficult, yes. Finding time for yourself while raising young children is difficult, yes. However, I feel that I too often use this as an excuse for sub-par living. I can be getting more out of life. I can be doing more. At the very least, I should be able to finish a goddamned project around the house in a reasonable amount of time! So, I resolve to push myself, to force myself to be uncomfortable at times. Because the moments of discomfort more often than not result in personal growth, self-respect, happiness. Dare I say bliss? It's possible.
5) Start and maintain an organic vegetable garden. Because it would be awesome. And would also help with Resolutions # 2, 3, and 4.
My final resolution for 2010 is simply to LIVE LIFE MORE FULLY. Because you never know how much time you have left. Cliche? Perhaps. But you wanna know why? Because it's true.
Happy new year, y'all. May 2010 be your best year yet!
1) Write. I fancy myself a writer. Always have. This is not to say that I think I am any good. On the contrary, I feel a tremendous amount of insecurity about the quality of my writing. However, I enjoy writing. It helps me to process my thoughts and emotions. It helps me to quiet and make sense of the chatter in my head. It, quite often, allows me to express myself to others far more effectively than I ever could face to face. Also? It's fun. And fun is something I need to have more of. Fun that is not related to my children and is not related to alcohol or television. So, first and foremost, I resolve to write. And, looky-here, I'm doing pretty well so far!
2) Take care of myself, body, mind, and soul. 2009 was not exactly a red-letter year for my health. My workouts were sporadic, at best. My diet included lots of cheese and probably not enough vegetables. I drank too much coffee, too much wine, and not enough water. The result? A year of feeling not quite right. A year of feeling like I didn't quite have the energy necessary for raising two young children. A year of feeling flabby and unattractive. This year will be different. Mark my words.
3) Spend more time outdoors, even if it is just the back yard. The fresh air is restorative and necessary for me AND the children. 'Nuff said.
4) Challenge myself. This one is pretty vague, but I'm hoping the specifics will work themselves out over the course of the year. Raising young children is difficult, yes. Finding time for yourself while raising young children is difficult, yes. However, I feel that I too often use this as an excuse for sub-par living. I can be getting more out of life. I can be doing more. At the very least, I should be able to finish a goddamned project around the house in a reasonable amount of time! So, I resolve to push myself, to force myself to be uncomfortable at times. Because the moments of discomfort more often than not result in personal growth, self-respect, happiness. Dare I say bliss? It's possible.
5) Start and maintain an organic vegetable garden. Because it would be awesome. And would also help with Resolutions # 2, 3, and 4.
My final resolution for 2010 is simply to LIVE LIFE MORE FULLY. Because you never know how much time you have left. Cliche? Perhaps. But you wanna know why? Because it's true.
Happy new year, y'all. May 2010 be your best year yet!
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