Make A Wish (Project 358: Day 15)

Day 15: Make a Wish

Yesterday was what I consider to be the perfect Winter day: bright sun, blue sky, puffy white clouds, and air so cool and crisp you almost wish you could take a bite out of it. We took a walk with the kids early in the day and about halfway through, Evan decided that he wanted to take his shirt off. Elinor quickly followed suit. Immediately, I put up a weak protest, "Come on, guys, leave your shirts on," but was (not surprisingly) ignored. My eyes darted around nervously, trying to glimpse the expressions of passersby. God, what must people think of me, letting my children run around half naked on a Winter's day! I realized in that moment why I felt so uncomfortable about my children taking their shirts off. I was not worried about them being too cold. My children are perfectly capable of determining whether or not they are comfortable and will most certainly let me know when they are not. No, my discomfort came from my fear of people thinking poorly of me, my fear of being judged, of being deemed a "bad mother." When I realized this, I put away any notion of trying to get my children clothed again and simply enjoyed watching their beautiful young bodies running and dancing with joy, the sun warming their soft, pale skin.

If I have one wish for my children it is that they never feel as though they have to be anything other than themselves. I don't want them to care what other people think of them! Oh, I want them to be kind, of course. That goes without saying. But I don't want them to ever feel that they have to change who they are in order to please someone else. Now, I figure the only chance I have of giving them this gift of confidence and self-worth is by modeling it to them through my own actions. This is a tall order. While I am worlds more confident now than I was throughout my teens and early (to mid-) 20s, I am still plagued with self-doubt and insecurity; these fears are deep-seated. And so I start small. Change in action can only occur after successful change of thought patterns. Exercise One: let the children run around half-naked, outside on a Winter's day. Take a photo. Post said photo on the internet. And don't give a damn what people have to say about it!

Project 358: Days 11 - 14

Day 11: Pre-school Fuel (Grilled Cheddar on Wheat, Edamame, Blueberries)

Day 12: Sunset, Rosemont Drive

Day 13: Sunrise, Rosemont Drive

Day 14: Pretty Little Weed

2010 Recap

1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?

• Became a vegetarian.
• Went on a romantic overnighter with my husband for the first time since we had kids.
• Grew veggies in my backyard.
• Gave my son a hug and a kiss and sent him off to preschool.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolutions from 2010:

• Write.
• Take care of myself body, mind, and soul.
• Spend more time outdoors, even if it is just the backyard.
• Challenge myself.
• Start and maintain an organic vegetable garden.
• Live life more fully.

My resolutions for 2011:

• Write more.
• Read more.
• Make working out an integral part of my life, a constant, rather than something I do       enthusiastically for a couple of months and then don't do at all for the next couple of months.
• Continue the vegetable garden, and expand my growing season to include all four seasons.
• Start a compost pile.
• Reduce my plastic consumption.
• Shop at thrift stores (for clothing, decor, housewares) as much as possible before buying new.
• Slap some paint on the walls of my house.
• Purdy up the front yard.
• Become more organized and intentional in my role as "stay-at-home mom."
• Make a concerted effort to be more affectionate with my husband (meaning hugs and kisses throughout the day). I may not need it, but he does, and I need to honor that.
• Pay off credit card debt (AGAIN) and this time KEEP IT OFF.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Emily gave birth to Mia in October.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit?
None.

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
More hours in the day? Yeah, that's probably not gonna happen.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

• September - my baby boy started preschool.
• October - first romantic getaway with the hubby in over 4 years.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Totally drawing a blank here...what does that say about me?

9. What was your biggest failure?
I had some parenting moments that I am less than proud of, but no major failures.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
A couple colds, no biggie.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Evan's preschool education, my DSLR, Kinect.

12. Where did most of your money go?
I don't know...mortgage, groceries?

13. What did you get really excited about?

• Seeing Wicked in SF with my mom and sisters.
• Fourth of July trip to Oregon.
• Evan starting preschool.
• In town overnighter with Stephen for our anniversary.
• SYTYCD show with Erin and Keri
• Overnighter in Livermore with my girlfriends.

14. What song will always remind you of 2010?
This song from the cantina scene in Star Wars: A New Hope. Oh my god, I can't get it out of my head.

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:

• happier or sadder? Hmm...happier, I suppose. Put it this way: definitely not sadder.
• thinner or fatter? Probably a little fatter. This time last year, I was finishing up the cleanse, so...
• richer or poorer? Richer

16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Blogging. Reading. Working out. One-on-one dates with my kids.

17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Watching TV. Drinking. Facebook.

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Elinor's birthday party on Christmas Eve with both sides of the family. Christmas morning at home with Stephen and the kids. Visits from Jean (my grandmother-in-law) and my parents later in the day.

19. What was your favorite TV program?
Parenthood, Modern Family, 30 Rock

20. What were your favorite books of the year?
Eating Animals by Jonathon Safran Foer

21. What was your favorite music from this year?
I couldn't even tell you, I'm so out of touch.

22. What were your favorite films of the year?
See answer to #21.

23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
On my actual birthday, I was at home packing for our trip to Oregon and taking care of the kids while Stephen was at work. So awesome.

Oh, and I turned 32.

24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More/better sleep.

25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Comfortable, but not sloppy.

26. What kept you sane?
My friends, my husband, my kids, the many wonderful babysitters in my life.

27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Never take for granted what you have right now, because everything can change in an instant.

Project 358: Days 8, 9 and 10

Day 8: Still Life With Walnut 

This photo just kind of happened the other night when I realized after putting the kids to bed that I had not picked up my camera all day. Glancing around the kitchen for something to photograph, my eyes settled quickly on a mason jar filled with walnuts. No need to look any further; I had found my subject. Walnuts really are a lovely shade of brown, don't you think?

Day 9: Pretty as a Picture

Nine days into the project, I began to realize that the challenge is two-fold. On the one hand, there is the obvious challenge: remembering to take a photo every single day. But what I didn't think about initially is the additional challenge of choosing which photo to post on the days when I have taken many. This, I think, is the more difficult of the two.

The kids were painting yesterday morning, getting kinda' messy, singing songs, and just being, well, downright adorable. So, naturally, my camera was click click clicking away the entire time. Choosing between the many photos I took that morning was hard enough, but just to add to the difficulty, Evan went and fell asleep on the couch that evening (much like his sister on Day 1), which resulted in a beautiful, angelic photo of him. At first, I posted the photo above and posted the sleeping Evan photo as a "runner-up" simply because I could not choose. Eventually, I decided that by doing so, I was breaking the unwritten rules of the project and thus forced myself to edit. But, gosh, it kinda' hurt to choose.

Day 10: The Heart of the Matter

For today's photo, I decided to revisit my subject from two days ago. She was just so easy to work with, I mean absolutely zero attitude. I was so pleased with the results of our first session, I just had to get her in front of the camera again. This time, I wanted to see if I could get her to open up a little more.

Har. Har. Seriously, though, what a lovely little surprise I got when I cracked open my afternoon snack. How could I not snap a pic?

Project 358

I've decided to take part in Flickr's Project 365, after reading about it in one of my favorite blogs, All & Sundry. The basic concept is to take a photo a day for the entire year. Even though I take a lot of photos (mostly of my kids), I certainly do not take photos every day. In fact, there are times when a week will pass and I haven't so much as glanced at my camera. To take a photo every day, though it sounds like a simple task, will definitely be a challenge, and I hope that I will be able to keep up with it. I will be posting my photos on this blog, hopefully daily (but probably not) and I will try to write a little something about each photo.  Will these be interesting blog entries? I'm guessing no. But I hope that it helps to get me into the habit of writing more often.

When I read about the project, we were already eight days into the new year so, in my case, the challenge would be more aptly named Project 358.  Some photos will be taken with my fancy new DSLR (the Canon Rebel XS) but many will be taken with a "point and shoot" camera, my trusty old Canon PowerShot SD1100 IS because, quite frankly, the DSLR is kind of a pain in the ass to lug around everywhere. So now, without further ado, my first 7 photos:

Day 1: Delicate Situation

After a long, fun day with lots of playing and no napping, Elinor fell asleep sitting up on the couch while I was making dinner. Fully clothed, with an empty stomach, at 4 p.m. What is a parent to do in a situation like this? Take a picture, that's what. Because, goddamn that's cute, and it will help to look at something so cute when she wakes up at 3:30 in the morning just rarin' to go and you just want to die.

Day 2: Dinner. Alone.

Typical dinner while Stephen is at work: Boca Burger (Original Vegan), topped with ketchup, mustard, pickles, and spinach. Occasionally, I'll add avocado, but sometimes I'm too damn lazy to slice it (pathetic, really). Honestly, it's hard to motivate myself to make anything more complicated than this when I'm eating alone. At least it's not a bowl of cereal (okay, sometimes it is).

Day 3: The Clover is Taking Over

My poor, neglected vegetable garden (in the background). Next time, I will go beyond summer veggies and plant into the fall and winter as well, I promise.

Day 4: Coolest Kid in Class

Oh, it was so much fun to watch Stephen teach Evan's preschool class all about fire safety. Evan was beaming the entire time, so proud that his dad is a firefighter, a profession of near celebrity status in the eyes of a 4-year-old. And Stephen couldn't stop talking about the experience for days...sorta' renewed his love of the job...until he had to go back to work on the medic, that is.

Day 5: Lap Warmer

My beautiful Pazzo Bellina. My affection for her may never again be what it was before I had children, but it's getting there, little by little.

Day 6: "It's 10 p.m. and I haven't taken a photo yet!"

Gosh, we really need to do something about the walls in that bathroom. Yuck.

Day 7: The Walk To School

SUN, GLORIOUS SUN!

Dear Dad, You Are Rad (Thoughts About My Father)

You took me to my first concert when I was nine years old.  Debbie Gibson, Cal Expo Auditorium.  You stood by me in that crowd of screaming young girls, listening to 2+ hours of cheesy pop music.  I cried when she came out on stage in her felt bowler-style hat that perfectly matched my own.  I loved every moment of that night.  Thank you for taking me.

You also took me to my first ballet, the Sacramento Ballet's production of Ballet Stars of Moscow.  I think that we sat in the very last row of the highest balcony in the theater.  I didn't care.  I was mesmerized and felt so lucky to share such a special little slice of one-on-one time with you.

I think of you every time I eat a fresh peach.  Do you know why?  Because I, like you, prefer peaches with the skin on, whereas many people prefer them peeled.  We have talked many times over the years about enjoying the fuzzy, chewy texture, such a lovely contrast to the juicy center.  In our family, we are alone on this, and I've always liked that.  I also often think of you when drinking coffee or eating peanut butter, dried apricots, or spicy food, for similar reasons.

I can't possibly write about memories of you without bringing up our annual father/daughter camping trip.  Oh, such wonderful memories!  Maggie and I slyly wandering off upon arrival, leaving you and Jess to set up camp.  The way the three of us would fight and play and act like dorks and just generally behave in a manner which inspired you to say, "Quit gooshin' around!"  Gooshin.  I love that made-up word of yours.  I am certain we were a handful during those early camping trips, but I am also certain that you loved it anyway.  And no matter what, we could always count on two things during the drive home: stopping for lunch at a "greasy spoon" and hearing you say, "You know what?  You guys are alright."  That will never get old.

During our years of camping together, I learned many things from you, including this: the steep climb up a mountain can be very, very tough, but the view from the top makes it all worth it.  Oh, Dad, thank you for forcing me to endure all of those long, arduous hikes (and for putting up with all of my whining!).  I love the fact that my name is at the top of Mount Lassen and, more importantly, I now really truly enjoy hiking.  I look forward to tackling Lassen again someday, this time with a much better attitude.  And while we're at it, how 'bout finally finishing Castle Crags?  Bring it on.

"If you have to force it, you're not doing it right."  I can't tell you how many times I heard you say that growing up, usually in response to me trying to force some inanimate object to do my will, often using my teeth.  This phrase has stuck with me; it's meaning has deepened with age.  I now see it as holding far more wisdom than I realized when I was young.  It can be applied to relationships of all kinds, particularly those I have with my husband and children and it can be applied to the process of fulfilling life goals.  When I am frustrated, unhappy with a person or circumstance, I hear your voice in my head.  More often than not, the frustration I am experiencing is a direct result of my resistance to that person or circumstance, my desire to "force" things to be my way.  I wonder if you realized, back then, the wisdom in those words.  Either way, I thank you for saying them to me and I guarantee I will be repeating them to my children.

I love you, Dad.  Thank you for being you and for being there for me.
Happy Father's Day!

Jammies

There are times, as a parent,
that I need to
let go of reason and
just be okay
with things like

putting you to bed

with jam

on your face.

Because you are tired
beyond reason
and absolutely
adamant
that I not
wipe you clean.

What's the worst
that could happen?
A purple stain left
on your pillow case?

I think we'll all survive.

Besides,
I too am tired
and would rather not fight
before bed.

Kid Feet

Your feet are no longer
the soft, chubby feet
of a baby.

The soles are toughened,
the skin thick
and protective:
kid feet.

Play jump run
dance skip climb
fall and scrape
and get back up again
for more.

These feet
refuse sneakers,
delight in galoshes,
and tolerate sandals,
but prefer to be free,
wearing nothing at all.

I love these feet,
kiss them, sniff them,
wiggle their toes.

I warm them
when they are cold,
wash them when dirty,
love every moment with these
beautiful kid feet.

These feet will grow...
play jump run
dance skip climb
explore and
someday leave
this home.

I do so hope
they return
often.

In no particular order,

some things I've learned from my mother:

1) It is absolutely necessary to communicate with your children, by any means possible.  When I was younger, my mother and I often had difficulty discussing emotional topics face to face.  In order to maintain communication, she started the practice of writing letters to me, to which I would respond with a letter of my own.  This was genius!  We could each get out what we wanted to say, worded exactly as intended.  The recipient could then read, ponder, and respond thoughtfully.  If necessary, I fully intend to employ this technique with my own children.

2) The emotions of a child (or adolescent) should be taken seriously.  They are just as valid as an adult's.  Listen.  Try to understand.

3) As a mother, it is important to take time for yourself.  Parenting is a difficult job.  Take time to recharge those batteries.  It will make you a better mom.

4) It's okay to make mistakes; that's how we learn.  I have certainly made my fair share of mistakes and though I am certain many of these mistakes were a source of incredible stress and anxiety for my mother, I never felt like she was judging me.  I only felt that she was worried about me and that she worried because she loved me.  Thank you, Mom, for never giving up on me.  You had faith that I would learn, and I did.

5) It is important to forgive, even if you can't forget.  To hold a grudge against someone is to give them power over you.  Through forgiveness, you free yourself.

6) Art is important.  Creativity should be celebrated.

7) Reading is fun(damental).  Growing up, our house was always filled with books.  Some of my fondest childhood memories are of our frequent trips to the library.  On road trips, my mom often read novels aloud to keep us entertained.  I read voraciously as a child and to this day, reading is one of my greatest loves.  That love was nurtured and expanded through school, but it began at home.

8) Girlfriends are important.  Cherish your friends and make time for them in your life, no matter what.

9) Mascara works miracles.  For reals.

10) The world is full of amazing people.  Talk to them!  My mom is constantly having conversations with people she doesn't know.  Growing up, I didn't understand why anyone would want to waste their energy talking to a complete stranger.  To me, small talk was difficult.  To my mom, it was a fun way to pass the time.  Now that I'm older, I understand the value of such a pastime.  When you open yourself up to people, you open yourself up to a whole new world of opportunity, connection, possibility.  I am still fairly awkward socially, but I am trying to be more open and hope to one day possess even a fraction of my mother's conversational ease.

11) The WORLD is amazing.  Explore it!  Travel with the people you love, or do it on your own, just do it.  And when you do, take lots of pictures, meet lots of people, and keep yourself open to whatever life has in store.

This list is no where near complete.  Thank you, Mom, for all that you have taught me and all that you continue to teach me to this day.  You are an amazing woman.  I love you and am proud to call you Mom.  Happy Mother's Day!!!

Older. Wiser?

I am struggling tonight.  In the past three and a half hours since I put my son to bed, he has woken five times, and while my daughter has not stirred once since I managed to get her to sleep, the process of getting her to that point tonight was long and drawn out and full of irritation on both of our parts.  Neither of these situations is normal.  Elinor is normally very easy to put to bed: we nurse in the rocking chair, I kiss her forehead, place her in the crib (still awake), she rolls over, places thumb in mouth, and goes to sleep.  The past week has been a different story, filled with impassioned nap refusals and heart-wrenching pleas to sleep in my arms, in the rocking chair, all night long.  And while Evan has never been stellar in the sleep departme-

. . .

Pardon me.  Just back from my sixth interruption of the evening, which involved Evan coming down the hall, me scooping him up into my arms and asking, "What's going on with you tonight, babe?  Can't sleep?"  To which he responded, "I don't know what's going on, Mommy.  I can't sleep without you."  I know this is not true; he does so every night, most nights for four or five hours, occasionally for eight.  He can do it.  But not tonight.

"Which bed do you want to go to?"

"Mommy and Daddy's."

"Do you want me to bring the sound machine in there?"

"Yeah, and my water."

"Okay."

Okay.  Supplies gathered, we head to the master bedroom, where I lay him down and then take my place next to him, warm under the covers.  I should enjoy it.  He is warm and soft; he smells good.  He wants nothing more than to sleep snuggled up against me.  And yet, I feel tense.  And slightly irritated.  I am nearing the end of my husband's 48-hour work shift and I am craving some time to myself.  I feel stressed and achy and annoyed.

Who is to blame for this?  My children and their refusal to sleep?  My husband, for choosing a career as a firefighter?  No.  There is no one to blame but myself.  These are nothing more than external circumstances; they cannot make me unhappy.  The cause of my tension is my internal resistance to these external circumstances.  After all, is not the cause of all unhappiness simply the resistance to whatever life is serving up to you at the present moment?  Yes, it's true, life can serve up some unpleasant shit, but this unpleasantness is only a matter of perspective.  If we, instead, chose to "go with the flow" (while still allowing emotions to arise within us) would we still experience so much tension and stress?  Think about it.

Remove resistance to the present moment, and tension fades away.

(This is something a child does naturally, without having to analyze the shit out of their evening).

Ugh, I have so much to unlearn.