Follow-up to (Far) Beyond Pretty

Since writing (Far) Beyond Pretty, I've mulled over it for days, worrying that I didn't adequately express myself in the piece. I think that I got carried away on an emotional tangent that steered me from my original purpose. I know that I over think things, and I know that nobody cares, but I need to get this out of my head. And, because my head is still sort of spinning in circles on the topic, I'm going to do this in a numbered format, however boring that may be. Bear with me. Or don't. It's your prerogative, yo. Here goes...

1. I did not write this post as an indictment of my parents. Growing up, yes, my parents told me I was pretty, but they also supported me whole-heartedly in all of my passions: competitive swimming, dance, theater, writing, putting together "creative" ensembles (let's call it "fashion"). Within my family, I always knew that I was valued for more than my looks. So where did this designation as Alison the Pretty (in contrast to Jessica the Smart and Maggie the Humorous) come from? I don't know. I'm starting to think I made it up myself. (I have no idea if my sisters had the same experience growing up, but I will ask them this weekend, because I get to see them both in one day, YAY!) Perhaps, as the middle child, I was searching for an identity and gave myself the title, clinging to the trait that people noticed most. Or perhaps my early "obsession with pretty," as my father so succinctly put it, was a result of my interests. After all, the worlds of dance, theater, and fashion are well-known for their focus on physical appearance.
2. I do not believe that parents should never, under any circumstances tell their daughters that they're pretty. Being complimented on your appearance feels good and, if it's done genuinely and in moderation, it can only serve to bolster a child's self-esteem.
3. I do think that we should examine how we, in general, greet little girls upon meeting them. It's common practice to mention something about appearance when we meet girls: Look how pretty you are! I love your dress! etc. It's understandable. Little girls are freakin' cute! But, if a comment on appearance is the first thing they hear from people, over and over again, the message starts to sink in: being pretty is really important. So how should we greet them? I love Lisa Bloom's suggestion in her article How to Talk to Little Girls: crouch down to their level, look them in the eyes, and simply say, "It's very nice to meet you." Simple. Perfect. 

Changing the way we greet girls is just one small step in opposition to the harmful messages our culture and media send to them on a daily basis. In addition to this, I am working on:

1. Refraining from making negative comments about my own appearance. Children learn so much from simply observing their parents. If my daughter sees me picking myself apart or putting myself down, it's likely she'll do the same to herself. Exercise and healthy eating habits should be modeled and discussed as necessary components to leading a healthy life and feeling good. They should not be discussed as a way to get skinny or to avoid getting fat.
2. Complimenting and encouraging my daughter for her many skills and talents. And I don't mean general declarations like You are so amazing! although I have been known to say that from time to time. I mean specific statements relating to the things she has done or accomplished, such as Wow, you really focused and finished that puzzle all by yourself! That must feel really good. or That was really kind of you to let your friend play with your toy. Doesn't it feel good to share?
3. Talking to my daughter and, more important, listening to her. Engaging her, asking her questions, and really listening to her answers. As Lisa Bloom wrote so eloquently, "Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does."

I feel like I had more to say on this topic, but my brain is starting to wind down now. Perhaps this means I've made my point. In closing, I share with you a YouTube video that my uncle posted on Facebook several months back and that left me in tears. Please watch. It's pretty awesome.