Follow-up to (Far) Beyond Pretty

Since writing (Far) Beyond Pretty, I've mulled over it for days, worrying that I didn't adequately express myself in the piece. I think that I got carried away on an emotional tangent that steered me from my original purpose. I know that I over think things, and I know that nobody cares, but I need to get this out of my head. And, because my head is still sort of spinning in circles on the topic, I'm going to do this in a numbered format, however boring that may be. Bear with me. Or don't. It's your prerogative, yo. Here goes...

1. I did not write this post as an indictment of my parents. Growing up, yes, my parents told me I was pretty, but they also supported me whole-heartedly in all of my passions: competitive swimming, dance, theater, writing, putting together "creative" ensembles (let's call it "fashion"). Within my family, I always knew that I was valued for more than my looks. So where did this designation as Alison the Pretty (in contrast to Jessica the Smart and Maggie the Humorous) come from? I don't know. I'm starting to think I made it up myself. (I have no idea if my sisters had the same experience growing up, but I will ask them this weekend, because I get to see them both in one day, YAY!) Perhaps, as the middle child, I was searching for an identity and gave myself the title, clinging to the trait that people noticed most. Or perhaps my early "obsession with pretty," as my father so succinctly put it, was a result of my interests. After all, the worlds of dance, theater, and fashion are well-known for their focus on physical appearance.
2. I do not believe that parents should never, under any circumstances tell their daughters that they're pretty. Being complimented on your appearance feels good and, if it's done genuinely and in moderation, it can only serve to bolster a child's self-esteem.
3. I do think that we should examine how we, in general, greet little girls upon meeting them. It's common practice to mention something about appearance when we meet girls: Look how pretty you are! I love your dress! etc. It's understandable. Little girls are freakin' cute! But, if a comment on appearance is the first thing they hear from people, over and over again, the message starts to sink in: being pretty is really important. So how should we greet them? I love Lisa Bloom's suggestion in her article How to Talk to Little Girls: crouch down to their level, look them in the eyes, and simply say, "It's very nice to meet you." Simple. Perfect. 

Changing the way we greet girls is just one small step in opposition to the harmful messages our culture and media send to them on a daily basis. In addition to this, I am working on:

1. Refraining from making negative comments about my own appearance. Children learn so much from simply observing their parents. If my daughter sees me picking myself apart or putting myself down, it's likely she'll do the same to herself. Exercise and healthy eating habits should be modeled and discussed as necessary components to leading a healthy life and feeling good. They should not be discussed as a way to get skinny or to avoid getting fat.
2. Complimenting and encouraging my daughter for her many skills and talents. And I don't mean general declarations like You are so amazing! although I have been known to say that from time to time. I mean specific statements relating to the things she has done or accomplished, such as Wow, you really focused and finished that puzzle all by yourself! That must feel really good. or That was really kind of you to let your friend play with your toy. Doesn't it feel good to share?
3. Talking to my daughter and, more important, listening to her. Engaging her, asking her questions, and really listening to her answers. As Lisa Bloom wrote so eloquently, "Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does."

I feel like I had more to say on this topic, but my brain is starting to wind down now. Perhaps this means I've made my point. In closing, I share with you a YouTube video that my uncle posted on Facebook several months back and that left me in tears. Please watch. It's pretty awesome.

(Far) Beyond Pretty

I read this fantastic article from the Huffington Post today, posted by a friend on Facebook, and titled How To Talk To Little Girls. I strongly encourage you to read the article. It's a quick and easy read but, more importantly, it carries a very important message, for everyone, regardless of the frequency of your interaction with little girls. But just in case you don't take the time to read it, the gist of the article is this: each and every one of us needs to examine the way we talk to little girls. Too often upon meeting a girl, we open the conversation with a comment on her appearance ("Aren't you a little doll?" "My goodness, you are pretty!" "I love your dress!" "You have the prettiest hair" etc., etc...). Believe me, I am as guilty of this as the rest of you; not only is the focus on female appearance strongly ingrained into our culture, the fact remains that, by and large, little girls are incredibly adorable little creatures! That said, by giving into this urge, we are doing our daughters no favor. Instead, we send the unspoken message that appearance takes precedence over other attributes. We send the message that being pretty is more important than being smart, funny, strong, clever, creative, unique. Is that really a message we want to send to our little girls? Don't they already have enough things telling them that "pretty" is the end-all-be-all in this media-saturated world of reality TV and celebrity obsession, in a world where, as the article states, "twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize"?

In my family, I am the middle child of three girls. While I am sure that competition is natural among any and all combinations of siblings, it is my personal opinion that having multiple children of the same sex greatly magnifies this competitiveness. As three girls struggling for our parents' attention, my sisters and I each took on very specific roles: Jessica was the "smart" one (also the "smart-ass" one); Maggie was the "funny, lovable" one; I was the "pretty" one...

(Before I continue, I feel it necessary to state that this is NOT a personal pity party. Overall, I had a very good childhood and I am grateful for everything I have been given, everything I have received. There are many others far worse off than I, but one thing I have learned (and that I am still trying to accept) is that we all have problems, no matter how desolate, privileged, or somewhere-in-between our lives are.)

...This designation as the Pretty One proved to be incredibly damaging to me, for many reasons. Here, in numbered format, are some thoughts that frequently went through my pre-pubescent, pubescent, young adult, and (let's face it) current adult mind:

1. How can I be the "pretty one" when my sisters are so obviously, physically attractive? Apparently, they've got more going on than me...
2. If my looks are the most important thing I have to offer to the world, FUCK, I better be perfect.
3. I am so not perfect. I have acne. I sweat profusely. My eyebrows look like caterpillars. I have a mustache. My hair is too thin. I have hair on my toes. And my knuckles. My armpits are too "fleshy." I have a gut. My butt isn't perky enough. I wish my jawline was more defined. My eyelids are heavy. I have hangnails. I have weird little bumps on my upper arms...the list goes on and on....and on...and on....and on.
4. I feel like I have more to offer the world. I feel like I am smart. And creative. Like I have ideas that matter, and yet...
5. And yet...everyone focuses on "the pretty". So. That must be the best I've got to offer.

. . . . . .

The getting older is a funny thing. On the one hand, I am more leveled, more confident, more secure, than I ever have been before. On the other hand, my body is aging (obviously) and, as someone who has focused on her looks as the mainstay of her worth for much of her life, this is disheartening. I will turn 33  on Friday. I am the mother of two children. I now know, deep down, that I am more than pretty. But, my god, the scars remain. I still spend an inordinate amount of time dressing myself before meeting with friends. I still very, VERY rarely leave the house without at least a little makeup. I still post pictures of myself on Facebook or my blog and hope that people will tell me I'm pretty. 

This shit is damaging, mark my words.

And yet, I am now guilty of inflicting the same damage upon my own daughter! I try, believe me, do I try. But the words, "You're so pretty" still come out. (I cringe every time, but they do!)...

. . . . . .

My dear Elinor, please know that you are much, much more than your looks. This may be hard for you to accept; you were "blessed" with eyes as big as saucers and as blue as the Aegean Sea. People are taken aback by them and feel the need to comment on how beautiful they are. This will continue throughout your life, I am sure of it. You are more than your eyes, my love. You are the soul I see within your eyes. You are full of life, whip-smart, intensely creative, and so. fucking. funny. You, my love, are amazing. Please, don't ever sell yourself short of that.