Mind Over Marriage

"Do you have to argue with me about EVERY little thing??  So, yeah, there might be another way of looking at things, but you know what?  Sometimes I don't care; sometimes I just want you to LISTEN to me."  This is what Stephen said to me during a recent drive to the grocery store and it stunned me into silence.  Immediately I thought, I don't do that, then, even if I do, it's only because you so often DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE, and finally, I wasn't arguing with you; I don't even LIKE arguing.  The next thought I had effectively prevented me from giving voice to the previous three: holy shit, he's right.  Even now, in my head, I'm arguing with him.  Perhaps I should have just apologized then and there, but of course I didn't.  I remained silent for the remainder of the drive, in part because I was annoyed that he had snapped at me, but mostly because what he said was true.

I come from a family that argues a lot, that has always argued a lot.  This is not to say that I grew up in an unhappy home filled with constant yelling and screaming and fighting.  I actually had a very happy childhood and, growing up, often thought that I had the "perfect" family (I know better now, of course).  The point is, I've always been surrounded by very intelligent, very opinionated family members for whom argument could almost be considered a pastime.  While I love my family, this aspect of family life has always made me uncomfortable.  Perhaps it is because I am the middle child, always wanting to keep the peace.  Or maybe I am too insecure to speak my mind, for fear of being shot down.  Or perhaps with so many loud voices talking at once all the time I simply stopped trying to be heard.  Whatever the reason, it doesn't matter now.  What does matter is this: if I loathe constant arguing so much, why am I bringing it into my marriage?

Since that car ride, I have become painfully aware of just how often I argue with Stephen about things that just don't matter.  I've been trying to remain vigilant and feel that, more often than not now, I am able to stop myself before I start.  I hope this improvement is not all in my head.

Many of my arguments with Stephen are based on the fact that we have very different outlooks on life, very different opinions about human nature.  From the beginning of our relationship, I have been trying to impress my world view upon him, trying to turn him into a more "positive" person, a less "judgmental" person, someone who views the universe as inherently good, full of abundance and love and connectedness.  I do this out of love, yes, but at what cost?  And who am I to think I have all the answers, to think that by "knowing" him I somehow know what's best for him?  How egotistical can I be?  How judgmental.

I think that it is fairly common practice in marriage to try to "change" your spouse, or to quietly loathe certain aspects of who they are, but I think this practice is misplaced.  I chose to marry Stephen.  I made this choice because I fell in love with him but, more importantly, because I felt in my heart that he would make a good husband, father, and lifelong partner.  Four and a half years later, I no longer feel that, I know it.  For all his alleged faults, Stephen can put most husbands and fathers to shame.  He loves me like I am the only woman on Earth and cares for his children with a passion that is truly inspiring.  He supports me no matter what, puts up with my ever-changing moods, and never, EVER makes me feel judged.

All that other stuff?  That stuff about his view on life and human nature?  Well, I either need to just accept it as being a part of who he is, a part of the strange brew that is my husband, and love him regardless, or I need to leave.  And it's pretty much as simple as that.

(Don't worry, my love, I want to stay.)