Time For Change (Project 358: Days 181 - 184)

Day 181: Fail. No photo.

Day 182: Fail. No photo.

Day 183: Fail. No photo.

Day 184: Fail. No photo.

For the past few months, I've been struggling with mild depression. It hasn't been constant but rather has descended upon me in waves, crushing me emotionally and psychologically one day, and the next, receding just enough to make me think I was finally in the clear, only to be hit with it again a few days later. Last week, it all came to a head when we returned from a fun but stressful trip to Oregon and Stephen had to leave for his (48 hour) work shift the next day. It's hard for me to explain how I felt over those two days. I felt antsy, like I needed to get things done, but lacked any necessary motivation. I felt lonely and like I needed to talk to someone, yet declined the usual visit with my parents. I felt irritated by my children and trapped by my position as a stay-at-home mom, and simultaneously guilty for feeling those things, knowing deep down how very lucky I am to be able to spend this time with them while they are still young. At my core was a deep sense of self-loathing and in my head, a hurricane of thoughts that I couldn't make sense of. In a nutshell, I felt like I was going crazy. And I did NOT feel like taking photos, hence the series of "failures" listed above.

After the 48, Stephen came home and we spent day one of his four days off cleaning the house because I was scheduled to host a book club meeting on day two. I was still depressed, but too busy to really dwell on it. Day two rolled around and the morning was filled with me feverishly vacuuming and grocery shopping and washing dishes and trying to make my house look more like adults actually reside there along with the children. Shortly before show time, my amazing husband loaded our beautiful children in the car and blew me a kiss before heading out for a day of fun at the zoo, preceded by lunch at Burr's Fountain. (I can't thank you enough for this, Stephen.)

At 11 am, my kitchen filled with five of the most beautiful, intelligent, honest, funny, generous, and loving women I know. I welcomed them into my home knowing full well that I would most likely cry to them about my troubles that day. What I didn't know is that it would be a deep, choking, can't catch my breath sort of sobbing. I also didn't know that others present would do the same thing, for their own reasons.

With these women, I feel safe. And heard. And loved, unconditionally. I said things to them that I had never said out loud before and felt a cleansing deep within myself in doing so. In listening to their troubles, I felt unexpected comfort in knowing that I am not the only one struggling and that, no matter what, these women will always be there for me and never hold me in judgement. I vow the same to them, always.

Soon, it was time for the ladies to go our separate ways. Hugs and words of love were exchanged and as I said my final goodbye and closed the door, I realized I felt better. The crying, the talking, the laughing, the hugs, all of it was cathartic and cleansing and a healthy, much needed dose of perspective. I decided right then and there that it was time for a change, or rather several changes. This stagnant, self-indulgent wallowing is unnecessary and a waste of time, a waste of life! Knowing full well, from past experience, that simply deciding this does not make it so, I have composed the following list of changes that I am currently implementing, my so-called New Life Resolutions:

1. I resolve to work out. Regularly. I was doing so well, working out 3 to 5 times a week and then, about two months ago, I stopped. I don't know if I stopped working out because I was depressed, or if I got depressed because I stopped working out (chicken or the egg?). All I know is that my mental/emotional health is very closely linked to my physical health; when I am taking care of my self physically, I feel better emotionally.
2. I resolve to reduce my alcohol consumption (and perhaps, eventually, eliminate it altogether). 
3. I resolve to take extra good care of myself when experiencing premenstrual symptoms. Since entering my thirties, PMS has become much more severe for me. By taking care of myself during this time (avoiding alcohol, refined sugars, and simple carbohydrates, going to bed early, taking long walks, etc.), I may not be able to eliminate the symptoms, but I can certainly lessen the blow.
4. I resolve to limit my internet time. The computer is addictive, and my behavior surrounding it is compulsive and sad. I need to cut the cord (okay, maybe just unplug it) and focus on things that actually matter. Like, I don't know, MY CHILDREN.
5. I resolve to engage in a daily spiritual practice of some sort. I consider myself a spiritual person in the sense that I believe in something greater than myself, an energy that connects us all, and I believe in practicing gratitude and the power of mindful meditation. However, giving thanks for my many blessings once in a while or haphazardly meditating, do not a spiritual practice make. Practice, by definition, is habitual. If I'm going to have a daily habit, I'm thinking prayer sounds like a healthy one to have.
6. Lastly, I resolve (starting tomorrow, obviously) to go to bed at a decent hour.

Good night, loves. May you all be well.

On the off-chance you're wondering, no, I haven't forgotten about Days 177 - 180. We were on a road trip to Oregon over those four days and the corresponding photos are still in the editing stage.