So, I left my last post with the question, "...how do I achieve this inner balance?" unanswered. Well, the truth is, I don't really know. However, I've been trying a few things over the past week and they do seem to be helping.
First off, I decided that now would be a fantastic time to do another cleanse. No, I'm not talking about some crazy endeavor that involves consuming nothing but water with lemon and cayenne and the occasional bowl of lettuce for a week. Are you kidding? I don't think my children would survive my doing that. I'm talking about the Quantum Wellness Cleanse, which Stephen and I have done a couple times before (briefly documented starting here and again here). Simply put, we are eliminating caffeine, alcohol, and refined sugar from our diet for a course of 21 days. (The cleanse also calls for eliminating animal products, which we don't eat anyway, and gluten, which we decided not to worry about this time.) I figure if I want to clear my head and become more balanced, it certainly couldn't hurt to flush my body of the deliciously toxic substances I abuse it with on a regular basis. I'm just now finishing up Day 3 and my head is killing me, but I know from past experience that I will be feeling really swell in just a couple days and so I power on.
Secondly, I've started making a to-do list. Every day. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm totally contradicting what I said in my last post, but hear me out. Normally, I spend most of my day with a big ball of "shoulds" swirling around in my head: I should wash the dishes; I should clean the cat box; I should get off Facebook; I should get out of the house... If I make a list of, say, five or six things I would like to accomplish in the day, I have effectively removed that swirl from head and laid it out neatly on a piece of paper. Then, with my "shoulds" turned into "will dos," my mind is clear and free to be present for my children, or my husband, or even for the dishes. When a task is completed, it feels good to check it off the list. And if one or two of them don't get accomplished, well, that's life! Those tasks will roll over to the next day's list.
Finally - and this is the one that requires the most practice - I have been trying to passively observe my emotions instead of letting them define me. For instance, the other day, while Evan was at school, Elinor took a long nap and woke up somewhat cranky shortly before we had to leave to pick up her brother. We had a very short amount of time to get her dressed and walk to the school and she was fighting me tooth and nail on every little detail. She didn't want underwear; she wanted a pull-up. She didn't like the shirt I picked; she wanted a sweatshirt. Her shoes felt funny. Her socks were bugging her. She didn't want a pull-up after all, but a bathing suit instead. All the while, time is ticking away and I'm imagining poor little Ev having to wait in the office because his mom wasn't there to pick him up on time. Aaargh! I was frustrated and starting to get angry, ready to snap at any moment. And then I remembered to try observing my emotions instead of giving into them. This is very different than suppressing your emotions, by the way. Suppression of emotions is very unhealthy in my opinion and should be avoided. To observe your emotions is to allow them to arise but to take a step back from them and simply observe their effects. In this moment of extreme frustration with Elinor, I took a step back from my emotions. I observed how my body felt: tense, tight, hot. I focused on my breath. I focused only on my breath. I did not force myself to breathe deeply while my mind continued to go haywire. I simply focused on my breath, the feeling of air entering my nose and filling my lungs, the feeling of my lungs deflating and the air rushing past my lips with an exhale. Slowly, I felt the tension, the tightness, the heat start to subside. Now that I was calm, Elinor was far more responsive to me and, with a little bit of jogging, we were able to pick up her brother on time.
Similarly, I've been using this observation method to help me limit my time on the computer (specifically my compulsive checking of Facebook). I'm standing in the kitchen, staring at a pile of dishes in the sink, readying myself to dive in and scrub. To my right, is my laptop, innocently sitting on the kitchen counter, ever so quietly calling to me, Come on...open me up...you know you want to...It'll be quick, I promise...You wouldn't want to miss something. Normally, I would give in to this urge and most likely end up on the computer much longer than I intended, with a sink full of dirty dishes and a neglected toddler pulling at my pant leg. Now, instead, I take a step back and observe the emotion which, in this case, is a compulsive urge, a desire to escape my present circumstances. This emotion makes me feel fidgety, anxious. Again, focus on the breath, feel the emotion subside, and get on with my life.
So, this is what I've got so far. Any of you out there have some good tips for staying focused on the present?
"Now, instead, I take a step back and observe the emotion which, in this case, is a compulsive urge, a desire to escape my present circumstances."
ReplyDeleteExactly. Yes. Word. Amen.
The "compulsive urge...to escape my present circumstances." I need to 'want' to be in my present circumstances. Before max was born I felt it was easier to get to that place place. I have my work cut our for me. I can relate to so much of what you said here. I hope these next 17 or so days give you the inner balance you are striving for. I commend you for your efforts, woman! Between Mark Mumford's article and your post you two have given me a lot to think about. Love ya lady! Hope you kicked that headache to the curb this morning! <3
sounding ever so buddhish. somatic awareness, that is, present moment focus on bodily sensations, is very powerful, and can lead to compassionate presence. thank you for your sterling example!
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